How to Increase Your Google+ Views

Published on Author Eli Fennell

A Comprehensively Satirical Guide to Being Just Like Everyone Else on Google+

Google+ revealed a new metric earlier today: Views. Defined (when you hover over it with your mouse) as: “Views of Profile and its content. Values are approximate.

Always eager for greater efficiency, the Google+ Team started this feature off on the right foot by opting for the crispest, least insightful hover text to help you understand this new numerical value that is the best a team of presumably one engineer could come up with in 10-minutes while eating Chinese food at one of the campus cafeterias.

I have an impressive View count of nearly 10mn, which depressingly puts me just a couple million views behind one of the more popular Justin Bieber Pages, and remarkably some 10 times as many views as the official account for Hulk Hogan. Which, in the grand scheme things, is just about where I’d really like my bank account to be, financially speaking of course. Reassuringly (to some degree), the official account for Barack Obama beats me by all of seven times as many views, which places him as high up as a guy who runs a Massive Mega Uber Giant Circle Share Community.

So of course, as someone with pretty much exactly 1/7th as much importance as the President of the United States (what? it’s right there in the numbers, don’t look at me like I’m crazy!), here is how you can get lots of Google+ Views!

1) Do a “Game of Thrones” Meme, Even Though You’ve Never Seen the Show

Brace Yourselves for Google+ Views

Bracing Myself… The “You’ve never watched Game of Thrones?” Comments Are Coming
2) Or a “Most Interesting Man in the World” Meme

download (6)

One time, I hunted a vicious possum in the wilds of my crawlspace.
3) Don’t Forget the Bacon

My Exercise is Makin' Bacon

Plussers love bacon. We need it to fuel our power cells.
4) Definitely Hate Facebook. (It helps if you actually do.)

Only Google+ Cares

5) Did I Mention Cats? Because… CATS! (This is the most important one.)

I Can Haz Total Domination of Social Media

Legend Says the Dog Once Ruled Social Media, But Few Modern Scholars Agree
Follow these 5 Steps, and do nothing else, and you are assured of one outcome:

A meaninglessly inflated View count, and absolutely nothing of value to show in your life whatsoever. If you’re satisfied with these results, please consider sending me a check care of “Nigerian Prince”.

The Part Where I Get Serious

Do yourself a favor, and try to ignore this new number as much as possible. For most of you I assume this will be quite simple. For Internet Marketer types like myself, remember that any number can be inflated for a few bucks out-of-pocket, they don’t mean anything by themselves. Heed these words from Voltaire, a brand name liable to outlive any you may ever nurture in your profession:

“Fools have a habit of believing that everything written by a famous author is admirable. For my part I read only to please myself and like only what suits my taste.”

I love technology and how it changes our lives. There’s something almost spiritual about how new technologies connect and empower us. And it’s really cool, too.