10 Wacky Tech Predictions for 2016

Published on Author Eli Fennell

1) Facebook crams their entire News Feed into Facebook Messenger. CEO Mark Zuckerberg declares, “This will help us build a more focused messaging experience to share everything with all your Friends.”



2) Google’s Alphabet rebrands as ‘Roman Numerals’. Their stock value grows by D% in V days, making them the first $(((M)))(X) company.



3) Amazon blocks sales of paper books, citing ‘Customer Confusion’ due to incompatibility with their Kindle eBook Readers.



4) Netflix finds a way to compress all streaming 4K videos to use 1-megabyte or less per day. Comcast lowers their monthly data cap to 30-megabytes per month. Demand for Google Fiber skyrockets.



5) Yahoo! acquires Twitter, rebrands it Twittr. Twittr replaces Tumblr as the new destination for memes and pornography.



6) Apple ditches USB-C standard in favor of homegrown UMB-TN, U Must Buy This Now, reports record profits. Entire nation of China becomes Apple e-waste garbage dump.



7) Microsoft hires professional burglars to break into homes of Windows 7 users and upgrade them to Windows 10 while they sleep.



8) New malware attack exposes private information of all world leaders. Cybersecurity finally taken seriously as a matter of global interest.



9) Robotic fast food workers go on strike for higher wages, human workers hired back at $3 per day.



10) Scientists invent fully functioning lightsaber, start selling to the general public. Movie theaters see record demand for handicapped seating for Star Wars: Episode 8.