10 Wacky Tech Predictions for 2016

Published on Author Eli Fennell

1) Facebook crams their entire News Feed into Facebook Messenger. CEO Mark Zuckerberg declares, “This will help us build a more focused messaging experience to share everything with all your Friends.”

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2) Google’s Alphabet rebrands as ‘Roman Numerals’. Their stock value grows by D% in V days, making them the first $(((M)))(X) company.

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3) Amazon blocks sales of paper books, citing ‘Customer Confusion’ due to incompatibility with their Kindle eBook Readers.

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4) Netflix finds a way to compress all streaming 4K videos to use 1-megabyte or less per day. Comcast lowers their monthly data cap to 30-megabytes per month. Demand for Google Fiber skyrockets.

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5) Yahoo! acquires Twitter, rebrands it Twittr. Twittr replaces Tumblr as the new destination for memes and pornography.

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6) Apple ditches USB-C standard in favor of homegrown UMB-TN, U Must Buy This Now, reports record profits. Entire nation of China becomes Apple e-waste garbage dump.

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7) Microsoft hires professional burglars to break into homes of Windows 7 users and upgrade them to Windows 10 while they sleep.

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8) New malware attack exposes private information of all world leaders. Cybersecurity finally taken seriously as a matter of global interest.

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9) Robotic fast food workers go on strike for higher wages, human workers hired back at $3 per day.

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10) Scientists invent fully functioning lightsaber, start selling to the general public. Movie theaters see record demand for handicapped seating for Star Wars: Episode 8.

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I love technology and how it changes our lives. There’s something almost spiritual about how new technologies connect and empower us. And it’s really cool, too.

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