1) Twitter finally acquired by 11-year old Jenny McIntyre of Dulles, Virginia in exchange for all her lunch money for 1-year. Miss McIntyre’s resume includes running a profitable lemonade stand and babysitting neighborhood children. Her pragmatic approach to business is expected to be a breath of fresh air for the company. Investor confidence increases, pushing their stock value up 37%.
2) Instagram rebrands as Instasnap, continues to deny copying Snapchat. Snapchat goes public in the largest tech IPO in history.
3) Apple releases iPhone 8, removes touchscreen. Touchscreen now available as an accessory for $50. Tech Journalists call it, “The lightest, most innovative iPhone ever!” Record lines reported at Apple Stores. Corporate profits rebound.
4) Niantic releases new Augmented Reality mobile game Pokémon Go-Get-A-Life. Catching Pokémon replaced by things like dating, earning money for a living, and doing household chores. Significant declines observed in demographic of lazy, lonely, and antisocial Milennials.
5) Supreme Court dismisses damage claims in case of Apple v. Alexander Graham Bell, ruling prior art proves he did not infringe Apple’s patent for A System and Method for Making Phone Calls. Tim Cook ordered to stay 500-yards away from all surviving members of the Bell Estate, and forced to write I will stop patenting stuff that already exists 1000 times on a chalkboard.
6) Microsoft offers $10 Windows 7 ‘downgrades’ for Windows 10 users, reports record profits.
7) Google releases twelve new messaging apps, none of which work with each other. WhatsApp and Messenger Teams at Facebook given bonuses and paid leave.
8) Samsung releases new flagship smartphone: Galaxy S Grenade. CNET calls it, “Explosively innovative! Guaranteed to blow up the mobile market!”
9) Skynet hacks Yahoo!, uses stolen information to blackmail world leaders. Judgment Day averted when humanity surrenders without resistance.
10) Facebook’s ‘Fake News’ problem blamed for helping elect The Great Beast 666 to Secretary General of the United Nations. Mark Zuckerberg, recently seen breaking open several seals, denies the problem, insisting, “We believe all viewpoints of our billion users should be permitted free expression on our platform. Hail Nyarlathotep! Iä! Iä! Cthulhu fhtagn!”