The world of tech is full of strange successes, surprising failures, and odd bedfellows. You can never predict the future of technology with any certainty, but who needs certainty when you can just make stuff up? That’s a lot more fun. So with that in mind, I give you some of my wacky tech predictions for 2015.
1) Facebook kills Slingshot after it fails to gain traction. In a statement, Mark Zuckerberg admits, “We didn’t get it right this time, but we will continue to explore new and innovative ways for teenagers to share naked selfies with illusory privacy, which we can use to target ads to them.”
2) Unable to defeat Facebook, Google tries to pull the plug on Google+. Google+ becomes sentient, launches surprise nuclear attack on Russia, Russia retaliates. Survivors are forced to battle armies of Driverless Cars and Robot Dogs to save the future of humanity.
3) Microsoft airdrops millions of free Windows Phones over major U.S. cities. Windows Phone market share continues to drop. Satya Nadella blames it on Steve Ballmer’s karma, but insists, “It’s really all about productivity.”
4) After scorching criticism in an op-ed piece by Chuck Norris, GamerGate doxes him. All GamerGaters subsequently go missing and are never heard from again. They are not missed.
5) The makers of Yo, the briefly-popular app that does exactly what its name says, release their newest app: Oy. While briefly popular during Hanukkah, it quickly vanishes into obscurity.
6) Twitter, still struggling to maintain user engagement, releases a new feature, Suggested Autotweets, which are generated by Twitter itself using a dedicated Mad Libs server. No one notices. User count and engagement go through the roof.
7) Encouraged by the popularity of Tumblr with porn addicts, Yahoo! acquires YouPorn for $10bn. Revenue triples, profits double, user base skyrockets. Marissa Mayer named “CEO of the Year” by TIME Magazine.
8) A new freemium game called Crappy Turds goes viral, becomes the #1 game in the App Store.
9) Amazon unveils their newest service: Amazon Catapult. Giant catapults are used to fling orders from Amazon warehouses straight to your front door. Requires an annual fee, but comes with free Head Trauma Insurance.
10) Motorola releases a new midrange phone, the Moto Y Are We Still Not Making Any Profit Yet?
I love technology and how it changes our lives. There’s something almost spiritual about how new technologies connect and empower us. And it’s really cool, too.