1) Google rolls out new ‘B.S. Rank’ algorithm, Google Cowpie. Penalizes sites that fail to check Snopes.com before spreading easily fact-checkable nonsense on the internet. IQ’s of average internet users increase by 15-points. Fox News sees 700% decline in traffic.
2) Twitter unveils new 1-second looping video service, SASSY, Short Attention Span Stuff for You, reports record advertising revenue. IQ’s of average internet users drop back another 5-points.
3) Facebook changes appeal process for contesting their ‘Real Name Policy’. Users need only submit a blood sample, fingerprints, and an affidavit from the hospital they were born at to prove their identity.
4) Snapchat debuts new advertising feature, Promoted Nude Selfies. Teenagers become the fastest growing demographic of internet advertisers.
5) Instagram adds support for octahedral images, becomes the new destination for photographers who are also geometry geeks.
6) Yahoo! strikes an exclusive search deal with Ask.com, attempts to prove that tying two turkeys together can make an eagle.
7) Infographics lose popularity, replaced with ‘Holographics’.
8) Ad blockers become standard in all web browsers. 100% of advertising now done as Native Content. Average IQ of internet users loses another 10-points, destroying all progress made by Google Cowpie.
9) Klout stops including Food Porn and Cat Pics in influence scores. Influencers everywhere shift to posting more HDR Sunset photos.
10) God hires Stone Temple Consulting for His internet advertising needs. Church attendance goes through the roof, people who claim to know the Will of God quickly corrected on their mistakes. Terrorists start blaming their actions on Leprechauns.
I love technology and how it changes our lives. There’s something almost spiritual about how new technologies connect and empower us. And it’s really cool, too.