1) Advertisers discover technology for delivering ads in pill form. World Health Organization declares global epidemic of ad junkies a health crisis. Users call it ‘Riding the Oscar Mayer Weiner’, ‘Commercial Breaking’, ‘Chasing the Trix Rabbit’, and ‘Freebasing Phoenix University’.
2) Snapchat courts pornographic advertising industry with ‘Naughty Filters’. Revenue and profits skyrocket. Company launches new dedicated service SnapPorn.
3) The Listicle format loses popularity, replaced by lists of short tests, or ‘Testicles’. Comparing Testicle Scores becomes the new most popular type of clickbait.
4) Marketers begin experimenting with Virtual Reality. TIME Magazine declares 2017 “The Year When Virtual Reality Became Uncool”.
5) Study finds 98% of clicks for all forms of online advertising come from compulsive ad clickers with empty wallets. Cost Per Click for internet advertising collapses. Digital marketers go back to working for a living.
6) Marketers embrace new system by Deepak Chopra, “Quantum Marketing.” Promises results, the outcomes of which depend on Observation. Investors remain uncertain about its value.
7) Google adds ‘DumbRank’ to their Search Algorithm, penalizing content that literally makes people dumber for having seen it. General devolution of human intelligence arrested; world wakes up from collective hangover of stupidity.
8) Facebook admits they’re just making up all their user metrics, offers to sell Page Owners real data for a $30 annual subscription fee. Google AdWords reports record enrollment.
9) Yahoo! debuts new advertising service: Yahoo! Ads for Hackers. Allows hackers to use illegally downloaded information to deliver targeted Ransomware Ads to Yahoo! Users. Marissa Mayer hailed, “Most Innovative CEO of 2017.”
10) President Trump kicked off Twitter, launches own social network, Bittr. Investors immediately value it higher than Twitter. President Trump becomes #1 Bittr Social Media User of 2017.